


Losing My Religion

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-02
Updated: 2006-04-02
Packaged: 2018-08-16 00:11:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8079322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: Malcolm snorted. "If I have to be some religious icon, you can bloody well be the Revered Whatever." (03/07/2003)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: Response to Red's 10,000th Post Lamo Challengeâ€”a fic had to be written with the word "lamo" in it, lamo arising from one of our Saturday Night Chats. Since it was my typo that started the whole Lamo Phenomenon, thought I ought to immortalize it in fic.  
  
Beta: MJ, Red, and Cinmbria  


* * *

"I'm the what? On my annual what?"

Trip hit the mute button on the pod's com panel. "Hey, I had to tell them something so they wouldn't attack us! The Vulcan database says they're a very religious people."

"That doesn't mean they'll accept other religions!"

Trip's reply was cut off when the com chattered again. The universal translator kicked in, making the words understandable.

"Oh Great and Most Holy Lamo of Reed, you are bid welcome to our system. We are honored that you have chosen to sail through our space on your annual meditative journey. We would be even more honored to have you dine on our ship tonight, you and your acolyte, the Revered Tucker."

Trip hit mute again. "Revered? I just said I was your pilot!"

Malcolm snorted. "If I have to be some religious icon, you can bloody well be the Revered Whatever." He sighed. "I suppose it would be bad form to turn down their dinner invitation."

Trip sighed. "Considerin' they almost blew us into space dust, yeah, I'd think so."

"Right, well, guess I'd better think of something to worship."

"Besides the Captain's body?"

Malcolm looked at Trip thoughtfully. "Well, I supposed I could tell them about my more interesting rituals involving oil and censers and Jonathan going down on—mmph." Malcolm stopped as Trip slapped his hand over Malcolm's mouth.

"Stop. Right. There. Lieutenant. I don't care what you tell the Jillarens about what you as the Great and Holy Lamo of Reed worship, but make it something that will let me look the Captain in the eye without blushing, okay?"

Malcolm nodded and Trip removed his hand to com the Jillarens and tell them they would be honored to dine on board their ship.

* * *

"Tell us, Most Holy Lamo, are you a deity yourself?"

Malcolm managed not to choke on the wine as he considered his answer. "No, I'm not. I am merely a worshipper of the Great Bird of the Galaxy, elected to my title by his followers as being the most dedicated of the followers."

The religious leader of the Jillaren ship, Petriani, tilted his head. "What is this Great Bird of the Galaxy whom you worship?"

Malcolm smiled, trying to convey the appropriate awe of a devoted religious follower when speaking of his deity. He found he could project that awe easily by thinking of how he felt when Jonathan told him he loved him. "The Great Bird of the Galaxy gave my people life and guided us into space many eons ago. The Great Bird allows us to create new life on space stations and ships far from our home planet, so that we may convey his message to all civilizations, so that they may hear his words, and have the choice to follow."

Petriani frowned. "What of those who choose not to follow the Great Bird?"

"The Great Bird is saddened, but he does not tell us that others are wrong for not believing. The Great Bird understands that his message is not for all, and the choice of others is to be respected."

The Jillarens nodded. "The Great Bird is wise, Most Holy Lamo. Surely a deity this wise has enemies," noted the communications officer.

Malcolm took another sip of his wine. "I don't know if I would call him an enemy, Respected Kiplana, but to the followers of the Great Bird, the Agamreb is the antithesis of our philosophy. He was a follower of the Great Bird, his right hand, but when the Great Bird disappeared on a spiritual journey, the Agamreb took advantage of that power and tried to set itself up as the new Great Bird. However, the loyal followers of the Great Bird saw through the Agamreb's deception and cast it down into the Pit, naming it a false god. They were rewarded with the Great Bird's return. Yet there are still those who follow the Agamreb, and we struggle with them, as they believe their way is the only way."

Kiplana nodded. "Not an enemy, an unfriend."

"Exactly."

Petriani looked at the two men. "If your people are scattered over the stars, it must be lonely."

Trip nodded. "It can be lonely, sometimes, but the Great Bird has provided for that. He has given us a gathering place were we all come together at one time, to talk about our journeys and trade stories and items we have gathered. We also listen to the Great and Most Holy Lamo and the Wise and Venerated Maraja speak to reaffirm our faith."

The Jillarens seemed impressed. "The Great Bird sounds like a Wise and Wonderful deity to follow. Were we not devoted to our own deity, we would consider adding him to our pantheon."

Malcolm inclined his head, shooting a dark glance at Trip. Making up a religion was one thing, inducing an alien culture to follow the made up religion was another. "As we have said, the Great Bird understands that his message is not for all, and that others have deities just as worthy of Worship and Praise."

The rest of the dinner passed quickly, and soon Malcolm and Trip were back on the shuttlepod and headed back towards the rendezvous point with Enterprise.

"Good Lord, that was the worst dinner I've been through."

Trip glanced back from the controls to where Malcolm lay stretched out on one of the benches, an arm over his eyes. They had changed back into their Starfleet uniforms from the civilian clothing they had used to indicate religious status.

"Don't like being a Great and Most Holy Lamo?"

"Did you like being the Revered Tucker?" Malcolm shot back. The two men glared at each other. Trip finally relented.

"We're not gonna be able to keep this out of the logs, are we?"

Malcolm sighed. "If Travis gets wind of this, we'll never live it down."

"Not to mention what Command says," Trip replied with a heavy sigh. The two men looked at each other with trepidation.

* * *

Malcolm locked his door with a sigh of relief. Much to his and Commander Tucker's dismay, Travis had found out about their Lamo deception, and the two men had been trying to live it down ever since. Only T'Pol's icy, disapproving stare and Malcolm's habit of making offenders on his armory staff clean and reassemble all the phase pistols—twice—kept the practical jokes out of those areas.

Heading toward his lavatory, Malcolm stopped when he noticed the figure kneeling on the floor by his bed. Covered in a hooded black cloak, he couldn't tell the gender of identity of the person.

"Whoever you are, this has gone far enough. Breaking into an officer's quarters is against regulations, and this entire joke is no longer funny." As he said this, Malcolm was readying himself to attack the intruder and subdue him/her.

"But I wish to worship at the feet of the Great and Most Holy Lamo," came Jonathan Archer's voice as he looked up at Malcolm, a twinkle in his green eyes. "And at the Lamo's calves, and thighs, and..."

He was cut off when Malcolm pulled Jonathan to his feet and kissed him. "Let's get one thing straight, Jonathan. I am not a god." Malcolm smiled. "Though you do have the body of one."

"Funny, I always thought the same of you," Jonathan murmured as he began unzipping Malcolm's uniform. "Shall we just agree to worship each other?"

"I think I can handle that."


End file.
